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Can a man and woman be friends?  

Posted by Rudrakshha in , ,

Can a man and woman be friends? 

The great debate of can men and women be friends have kept several thinker wondering even till date. Perhaps, a friendship between the opposite sex is possible but only if both follow a set of rules and curtail the level of intimacy in relationship.
 Rudranjali 01,     Views:8210   Comments:40

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”  - Oscar Wilde

FRIENDSHIP IS a gift to mankind. A relation made by our choice and not force or fate. Friends are there to help us through difficult situations, they are there to laugh and cry with us, to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand, to make bad times bearable and also to make good times even more wonderful. Friendship comes in all forms and complexities, but nothing confuses this important relation as much as gender does. Now a friend can be of an opposite sex.

The question here is: “Is it possible for men and women to be just friends without being romantic?”
Before you answer this, be reminded that there is a significant qualifier here: 'just'. Which means 'only' friends? It's probably a discussion and by discussion I, of course, mean argument.

The answer to this question would mostly be ‘Yes …’ and with the big yes there would also be an addition of ‘but’ or ‘only if’ so the answer everyone is avoiding is, no. The concept of platonic friendship that arose and was largely talked and written from the time of Greek Philosopher Plato still remains as unclear and confusing as ever.

Opposite sex friendship often moves from being just platonic and leads to romance because the qualities that people look for in a friend and mate is often similar. When men and women look for a life partner they look for someone, who is similar to them in intelligence, attractiveness, views and values. The dilemma is, friends look for people, who are similar in those ways as well.

For many people, the idea of a man and a woman being friends is fascinating but questionable. They argue, meaning that the relationship eventually becomes romantic, it leads to something else. 

It's hard not to cross the line. Being friends with the opposite sex means spending time together. In these moments may come a weak moment when emotions and libido may get in the way and friendship can be ruined. 

We come across innumerable stories and movies, where they portray male-female friendship but rarely do they portray it as an ongoing, devoted friendship of a man and a woman as an end in itself? Even the acclaimed film When Harry Met Sally, which got a lot of people talking about cross-gender friendships, ultimately proves to be another tale of romantic love. Same goes with Bollywood sizzler Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.
 
On the other hand, some people argue that men and women can be friends if they are mature enough to understand the difference between love and friendship. They just do not buy the concept of romantic pull. 

Now let's cut to the chase and get to the bottom line: Men and women can be friends 'but' or rather 'if' only they thread this path very consciously and be careful. If they are single, no worries because the romantic pull or attraction would just make you lose one innocent friendship but if they are married, they need to be very very cautious and not ruin the marriage hence need to follow several rules. 

Certain borders cannot be compromised. There shouldn’t be exchanges of things that couldn't be read or heard by the spouse. Emails, meetings, telephonic conversations, text messages should be limited. You should not place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. Attraction really can grow in situations where you have alcoholic drinks together. Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets, secrets that you don't share with your spouse.

You also need to be understanding and considerate to your spouse. You cannot be spending too much of your time, emotions, mental space and money on your friend and expect your spouse to accept that your friendship is innocent and that you are just friends.
So, men and women can be friends, but the possibility of crossing the bridge to romance will always be present. Having said that, I believe it is also playing with fire. There is a distinct possibility of being burned. And as Osho says: “I am against all kinds of relationships. For example, I don't like the word 'friendship' but I love the word 'friendliness'. Friendliness is a quality within you; friendship becomes a burdensome relationship.”

But as an individual, I still strongly believe that life is nothing but an opportunity to know self and explore. If you are alive, the opportunity is there - even to the last breathe. You may have missed your whole life: just the last breath, the last moment on the earth, if you can explore and be true friend to someone even for a second, you have not missed anything - because a single moment of love and true friendship is equal to the whole eternity. That is the joy of love and true friendship; the exploration of consciousness.

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Love relates  

Posted by Rudrakshha in ,


Love relates 
Love relates but it is not a relationship. Relationship means something complete. Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness.
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LOVE IS not a relationship. Love relates but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now everything is finished.

You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient and cosy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you.

Relationship means something complete, finished, closed. Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always like a river, flowing and unending. Love knows no full stops; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues. It is a continuous process. It is a verb, not a noun.

And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we in such a hurry? Because to relate is insecure and relationship is a security, relationship has a certainty. Relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don’t allow it the freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.

You are in love with a woman or a man and immediately you start thinking of getting married. Make it a legal contract. Why? How does the law come into love? The law comes into love because love is not there. It is only a fantasy and you know the fantasy will disappear. So it is better to settle down before it disappears. Before it disappears do something so that it becomes impossible to separate.

In a better world, with more like minded people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely but their love will remain a relating, not a relationship. And I am not saying that their love will be only momentary. There is every possibility that their love may go deeper than your love, may have a higher quality of intimacy, may have something more of poetry and more of god in it. And there is every possibility that their love may last longer than your so-called relationship will. But it will not be guaranteed by the law, by the court, by the policeman.

The guarantee will be from the inner self. It will be a commitment from the heart, it will be a silent communion. If you enjoy being with someone, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more.

And there are a few flowers of love, which bloom only after long intimacies. There are seasonal flowers too; within six weeks they are there in the sun but within six weeks again they are gone forever. There are flowers, which take years to come and there are flowers, which take much longer to come. The longer it takes, the deeper it goes.

But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another. It does not even need to be verbalised, because to verbalise it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said.

It is so ugly seeing people going to churches, temples or the court to get married. It is so ugly, so inhuman. It simply shows that they can’t trust themselves, they trust the policeman or father of the church more than they trust their own inner voice. It shows they can’t trust their love, they trust the law.

Forget relationships and learn how to relate. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted. That’s what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either. It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.

To think that you know your wife, your friend is very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the mula mutha or the ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don’t take it for granted.

And the man with whom you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That’s what I mean by relating.

Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery, which cannot be unraveled.

That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if u relate and don’t reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. By exploring him, you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other and then love becomes a process. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.

In a relationship, both persons become blind to each other. Just think, how long has it been since you saw your wife or friend eye to eye? How long has it been since you looked at your husband or friend? May be years. Who looks at one’s own wife? You have already taken it for granted that you know her.


What more is there to look at? You are more interested in strangers than in the people you know -- you know the whole topography of their bodies, you know how they respond, you know everything that has happened is going to happen again and again. It is a repetitive circle.

It is not so, it is not really so. Nothing ever repeats; everything is new every day. Just your eyes become old, your assumptions become old, your mirror gathers dust and you become incapable of reflecting the other.

Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable that it is not possible that you can ever say, "I have known her," or, "I have known him." At the most you can say, "I have tried my best but the mystery remains a mystery."

In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.


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